Category Archives: faith

Where I’ve been

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I haven’t written a blog post in a very long time. So long, in fact, that even my father-in-law complained to me that he was sick of seeing the previous post about long ago pets.  So where have I been?

I’ve been out of sorts and very preoccupied, that’s where. And not much has happened to improve the situation. Among other things I’ve been contemplating is how utterly futile it can be to look to one’s job or career for fulfillment and satisfaction. Which is too bad, since the time I spend at my job far exceeds the face time I am able to spend with my family. I’m not saying I should get more satisfaction in my job than I do with my family. But there should be SOME measure of satisfaction in one’s job or career, right? Well, not always.

I’ve been praying for answers and direction but don’t have any yet. I think I am supposed to just sit and wait. That’s a hard thing for me to do; I tend to feel trapped and like Jacob in the Old Testament, I try to do my own thing to accomplish what I think is God’s will for me. I think of the well known scripture verse, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) This is a hard lesson for me to learn. Another reading I particularly like about this issue is in Streams in the Desert, the entry for May 2, which talks about Numbers 9:19. Readers of this devotional are exhorted to simply wait until a direction is clear.

I feel confined, frustrated, with mounting troubles. These are not new and I’m sure they’ll always be with me as long as I live. I need to learn to be patient and wait upon God for everything.

Missing church again

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I am sitting here on the couch, missing church again. All of us woke up too late to get going in time. Sigh. That says something, I suppose, about the general state of my faith walk.

On the positive side, we had a good time visiting with my brother Dan in Milwaukee yesterday.  We went to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch — the first time I’ve ever eaten there. I really enjoyed a — get this — pear and gorgonzola pizza.  It was delicious!  The rest of the afternoon was spent sitting idly and/or napping (one of my favorite pasttimes), and then I went to a nearby Pick ‘n Save to buy roast chicken, salad, challah bread and other stuff for a nice supper.  We got home around 8:30p.

Sick and tired and overwhelmed

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Today I stayed home because I woke up feeling unwell.  Michele isn’t feeling well either.  It’s been a day of alternating between sleeping and sitting stupidly on the couch.

I find current news in this country to be quite depressing, although not surprising.  We’ve all lived in the proverbial house of cards for years and years.  In addition, I believe whatever moral compass this country ever had — if it ever had any — has gone completely haywire and we are reaping the rewards of that.  An example is the extremely nasty political season, one which I think is by far the worst and most extreme of any that I’ve ever experienced.  I’m not happy with either side of the political spectrum but there is absolutely no way that I could in any good conscience vote for Obama/Biden. I’ll just leave it at that.

One of the things that I always struggle with and particularly at times like this, is the fact that as a follower of Christ, I need to place my hope completely in Him.  I try to remember Psalm 20:7 among other Bible verses.  I think one of the worst aspects of American evangelical Christians is a weird and twisted belief in achieving their goals via political ends. Like the U.S. is the true “promised land” and our country is God’s beacon to the rest of the world.  This is not to deny the fact that we have been incredibly blessed in this country and that a huge amount of good has come from it.  (Any good that has been done has come from the wellspring of Judeo-Christian values, in my view.) But the thought that we Christians should try to legislate morality at a time when we have long since lost our own moral compass and live exactly the same as everyone else, just makes me want to weep.

I’m sick and tired and overwhelmed. I worry about providing for my wife and children.  I’ve always struggled to be positive rather than negative in outlook (ironic, isn’t it? since I profess to believe that God is fully in control.)

Preparing for the next several weeks

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I’m not sure why this is true but every year around this time life speeds up to hyperspeed and I wonder how on earth I will ever make it through. That’s the main reason why I haven’t posted much lately; I am rather overwhelmed.

One thing I’ve spent time on this weekend is preparing for my upcoming class for the LEEP program at UIUC GSLIS. I love teaching the course but it is a lot of work to prepare for it and to figure out how to make it fresh and new each time. And there is always room for improvement.

Then there is the online course I agreed last Fall to create for NASIG. That is due sometime in July. But even before that I need to complete preparations for my presentation at the upcoming NASIG conference in the second week of June. I’ll actually be co-presenting with friend Sarah Morris and we’ll be talking about managing electronic resources in special library settings.

All work-related projects seems to implode upon themselves at this time as well, and I am scrambling to keep up with lots of stuff there, too. One of my staff members left for greener pastures in March and he is strongly missed!

Sometime soon we will be going on a mini-vacation to do some fishing and enjoy the outdoors so that is something I’m really looking forward to. In addition, Keegan will be out of school soon.

This morning we went to church and I’m glad (as always) that we did, because we received refreshment and encouragement there. This afternoon we went to a few stores and mostly drove a bit in the countryside just north of us over the border into Wisconsin.

The next several weeks will be quite hectic but I know that our Heavenly Father will meet all our needs. Along that same vein, would you please pray for some people in my extended family and friends? My sister-in-law’s brother and his youngest son (age 11) suffered severe injuries and burns in an accident a week ago or so. They and their family need all the support and care they can get. Also, someone I wrote about some time ago, John Fawcett, who has battled a recurrence of cancer for several months, has decided to not continue any treatment. I imagine this means that he could die at any time and I know his wife and young children also desperately need prayer at this time.

Pray for a friend

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I was deeply moved by an update from the wife of a friend and fellow librarian, in which she wrote today that:

“I do not know exactly what to say. We are in the Valley.

These are holy moments. The Lord is near.

John is exhausted from fighting the disease and an infection.

John gave me a blessing this afternoon. I was sobbing too hard to hear all of it. I am hoping Stewart and Katherine will remember the details.

Thank you for your companionship and prayers. We are all one in the Lord.

Blessings, dear friends, Margie”

and she also wrote:

“Tonight John came up and took each child in his hands. He prayed for them and blessed them.

Josiah didn’t know what was going on and just wanted me to hold him. Charlotte said, “Is Daddy going to die tonight?” “I don’t know, Charlotte. I don’t know.” Charlotte cried and cried.

Then she stood behind me and buried her head in my back. And then she dried her tears and went to her “treasures.” She said, “I am getting Daddy a gift.” She brought John a beautiful wooden box. Inside she placed a shell, a pink pearl bead and an acorn. “Keep this with you, Daddy. Keep this right by your bed.” John said, “How precious Charlotte. How beautiful.” He took it and put it right by his bed.

And then we told Charlotte again the story of how Daddy held her right when she was born and said, “I love you Charlotte. I’ve always loved you.” She said, “And then he opened up his shirt and put me on his chest.” That’s right my dear. You have always been close to Daddy’s heart.”

John has been fighting a resurgence of cancer for several months and has been close to death on more than one occasion. But from the sound of this most recent update, it does appear that indeed the Lord is near.

I don’t know John really well but I know enough of him and about him, and about his wife and family, to love them very much in Christian love. I have been so incredibly impressed by their great faith and love for God in the midst of extreme difficulty. Ever since hearing about his renewed cancer battle I have been praying for him, for Margie his wife, and for Charlotte (I think she is about four or five years of age) and Josiah (I think he is about two years old).

Would you please pray for them now as well?

Married to a fool

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My wife is married to a fool. Yes, that’s me. Why am I fool? Well, there are several reasons, but the one that has hit home to me recently is that for years I have put most of my efforts into things that won’t last. Like creating a wonderful, intricate ice sculpture, laboring over it for hours, only to have it melt.

In a sermon at church last week our pastor spoke about the fact that our lives are very short; they last as long as the blink of an eye. We are placed here on earth for a very short time. We strive and labor and try to make ends meet, day in and day out. We get so caught up in the here and now that we forget that eternity lies ahead of us, and that God wants us to invest in things that will last for eternity.

We are made for eternity (see Ecclesiastes 3:11). Why then do I spend so much of my time worried about things that don’t last? An eternal view changes my perspective on everything. I need to remember that things, money, etc. don’t last. What will last is what is from God, what builds upon His work.

This perspective can be very uncomfortable. It means, for one thing, that I should not fear (physical) death. The Bible is clear that if I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe that God raised him from the dead, then I will be saved (Romans 10:9). It means that all of my striving after “things” is dumb and not worth it. It means that the more I invest in my marriage, my children, my relationships with others, and try to help and serve others, the more I am investing in things that will last for eternity.

I’ve spent most of my life wondering about my life’s purpose — trying to understand why God made me and how He wants to use me. Am I meant to be a missionary? An evangelist? A “light” in the workplace? The sermon I heard last week is helping me to understand that perhaps that is not the way I should be thinking. Instead I need to just focus on building on what I know will last for eternity. With that perspective, everything else should fall into place.

Kids say the funniest things

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My kids come up with the funniest things to say sometimes.  This morning, for example, Tristan was watching something on TV about the baby beluga whale that was recently born at the Shedd Aquarium.  He rushed upstairs to tell me, with great excitement:  “Dad!  Did you know that zoo we went to recently has a new baby bazooka?!”  That really made me laugh.

Michele just IM’d me to tell me another funny anecdote from this afternoon.  Cohen was sitting by her while Tristan and Brinley were busy arguing loudly about something.  She remarked to him, “They’re crabby!”  His reply:  “They are fighting.  I wish I was in God’s world!”

You just gotta laugh…

The Encyclopedia of Me: A is for anxious

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I’ve never participated in a meme before, but I kinda like the one I just found in a very serendipitous way on a blog named Bella Dia.  (This is a blog I have to tell Michele about, if she doesn’t know about it already.  Michele is a blog-reading fiend when it comes to blogs like Bella Dia that feature craft-related content.)

This meme is called “The Encyclopedia of Me” and the idea behind it is to create twenty six posts, one for each letter of the alphabet.  Each letter will represent a topic that explains a bit about who I am, my interests, my life.  Bella Dia suggests that this be done over the course of the month of August; I’m not sure I want to follow that timeframe.  Instead, I think I’ll add new posts at random intervals over the next few months.

I know, I know:  This kind of thing is exactly what blog critics think blogs are all about:  a bunch of people just blabbing about themselves and who cares? If you don’t care, don’t read it.  No skin off my nose.

Most of my life I’ve been anxious about one thing or another.  One of my favorite Bible verses is Philippians 4:6 which says:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Why am I anxious?  I suppose at the core of it, I lack faith in God.  Anxiety is a form of unbelief.  I realize this.  If I truly believed that He has the whole world in His hands, I’d realize that there is nothing to worry about.  If I only tried harder when faced with another crisis or problem, to remember all of those past times when He has brought me through completely and safely, I wouldn’t struggle so much with anxiety.

There are other reasons for this tendency.  There were a lot of anxious times in our family when I was growing up.  Sometimes we had a lot of money, but most of the time we didn’t.  There were many times when we couldn’t be sure that we’d continue to have a place to live due to financial troubles.  Anxiety was generated by my father’s long addiction to alcohol and all of the issues and events surrounding that.  There were many arguments in our household that I still remember quite vividly.  Lots of loud shouting, crying, verbal warfare with words as weapons.  There were physical conflicts as well, but not as much.  I still remember my two oldest brothers fighting on the front lawn of our house, rolling around on the ground, throwing punches and so forth, and being absolutely convinced that they were going to kill each other.  My brother Dan and I shared a room most of our growing up years and we almost always got along, but we did occasionally have fights, too.  One time, for some really silly reason that I can’t remember, we began a fight.  I remember Dan coming after me to punch me in the face.  He swung really hard with his right fist and I ducked just in time, with the result that his fist hit the edge of our dresser, breaking his hand.  Ironically we learned that the break was called a boxer’s break after he was taken to the emergency room and had it looked at.  Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that the reason he was coming after me to punch me was that I had just thrown a D cell battery as hard as I could at him, hitting him in the chest.  He was so angry and full of adrenaline that he didn’t even feel it.

I am anxious also because I’ve failed a lot of times.  Fear of failure can be a strong force keeping you from doing new things, trying to go in new directions.

And part of the anxiety I’ve known all my life is no doubt related to some of the larger events that played out in the church group to which I belonged.  I’ve mentioned before that 1970 was a watershed year in which many events occurred that shaped how and where I was raised, the people and family I knew or didn’t know, etc.  There were other splits among the brethren after that.  Looking back, it seems to me that there was often the need to identify which side we were on, and this caused some memorable conflicts, hard feelings, and yes, anxiety.

Hopefully the next post in this meme, for the letter B, will be much more positive!