Library profession ranks high on depression

I just read a report published by the U.S. Office of Applied Studies, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. The report is entitled “Depression among Adults Employed Full-Time, by Occupational Category” and I was interested to see that the library profession ranks high on the list (#6). It seems that depression in this category (actually, the category is a bit vague, and incorporates more than just those who work in libraries) is particularly high in my age group. 11.7% of those between the ages of 35-49 have had a major depressive episode in the past year.

I’m not sure what to make of this.

An open letter to myself

Dear Steve,

In a few days you are going to be 40 years old. I’m sure at this stage of your life, you are asking yourself what this means and how you should handle this milestone. You may be asking yourself questions like, “Am I officially ‘old’ now?” or “Is it all downhill from here?” or “I can’t pretend to be young anymore, can I?”

I’m not sure I can provide answers to these big questions. Instead, I thought you would benefit from some clear, blunt advice, a verbal slap upside the head, if you will. For example:

1.) Quit the negative attitude about everything, already. Contrary to what your internal child says all the time, you aren’t Chicken Little and the sky most definitely is not falling (well, at least most of the time it’s not). No wonder you struggle to make friends; noone likes a negative attitude.

2.) Guilt is so overrated. Stop feeling guilty about everything, like you’re a failure in everything you do. Accept the fact that you ARE guilty and you ARE a failure and focus on how wonderful it is that in spite of all of this, God loves you for who you are.

3.) Have more fun. Even your own kids are tired of your grumpiness, your short temper, and your tendency to not want to do anything just for fun. They say to you, “Dad, why can’t you have more fun?!” LISTEN TO THEM! Lighten up and stop being Mr. Gloom and Doom all the time.

4.) Practice being thankful. You just don’t get it, do you? You are so incredibly fortunate and blessed beyond measure. You enjoy a standard of living that the vast majority of people in this world can only dream about. You have a family of your own. You have so many family members and friends who love you and care about you. You are in good health (ok, you’re tired all the time, I realize, but there are much worse things that you could have to endure, such as not being able to see, walk, or talk).

5.) Let go of all that hurt, bitterness, and anger. As I already stated, noone likes to be around a negative person. Do yourself a favor, open your eyes to the fact that YOU, not that other person or persons, are the one who is most negatively affected by holding grudges or bitterness. Don’t wait for that other person to ask forgiveness, you forgive them, and then move on.

6.) Get over yourself and think about others more often. At least a portion of the depression that you struggle with can be attributed to self-centeredness. Navel-gazing, in other words. You want to be happier? Try serving others, try finding out how you can help someone else, and then do it. Jesus said, “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.” (Luke 17:33)

7.) Stop comparing yourself with others. You will never be the smartest, handsomest, strongest, whatever -est. Not that you shouldn’t keep trying to get better at some things, but understand the futility of always trying to “Keep up with the Joneses” and instead, be thankful for what you have and who God made you to be.

8.) Love your wife and kids, your family, your friends! I don’t think you love others enough, especially your wife and your children. You can never love too much, in my opinion. Love is the greatest thing. And by the way, Steve, it’s not good enough to just “think” love or “feel” love but to act out your love, to show it every day to those around you.

9.) Who cares if not everyone likes you? For just about all of your life, I’ve noticed that you’ve sought after the approval of others. You know what? The only approval you should care about is God’s. You need to think about eternity, not temporary things, and you need to look for ways in which to fulfill God’s will in this life and seek after His approval. Wouldn’t it be great to hear him say, at the end of your life here on earth, “Well done!”?

10.) Last but not least, seek out God’s will, not your own. Left to your own devices you are a sorry mess. It’s amazing but true that God loves you and wants you to accomplish great things for Him. That should be your career, your life goal.

So Steve, you are about to become officially middle-aged. Or as your wife once flatly stated, more than half of your life is already over. Big deal. Forget about what is past and look toward what lies ahead, what is truly long term. Life is hard, yes, but it is meant by the Creator of Life to be enjoyed. My advice to you is, work on enjoying life — the simple things — more and you’ll be happier than you ever thought was possible.

Life is hard

Life is hard.  Do you ever feel so overwhelmed, so downhearted that you find it hard to literally and figuratively put one foot in front of the other?  When doing even the most routine and little things seems impossible or too much to handle?  When you can burst into tears at the drop of a hat, or, worse, sink into the isolation of your own mind and cease communicating with others around you because you hurt too much?

Somewhere I read once that depression is the result of unexpressed grief.  There is a lot of truth to that definition, I think.  I feel a lot of grief today and most days, grief that somehow I can’t express and get out there and purged from my system, like smoke from a smokestack.  Would that I could let it out so that it might disperse and lose its grip on me.

I know what is happening in me and around me but still I tend to shut down.  I know it is selfish and that’s a bad thing, so I try to get out of the mire but with limited success.

Today I was going to speak at UIUC GSLIS but I canceled my trip early this morning.  Michele had a very bad night and it was clear around 3:30a that there was no way that I could go and leave her in that state.  My mother-in-law was going to be with Michele most of the day but I would have had to leave at 5a and she wouldn’t have been able to get to our house until 9a at the earliest.  Michele was scared and I was, too.  I don’t regret the decision for a moment.  It was the right thing to do.

Yet I feel like I let others down, especially the Hendersons, the husband and wife team who’ve been such good friends to me and who invite me every year to speak to their class.

So many different thoughts and emotions are swirling around in my head.  Why is this happening to us?  Will there be an end, a result, a treatment for Michele?  Will we need to deal with this for the rest of our lives?  How on earth can I keep it all together for her sake and for the sake of our children?  Then I think about how fortunate we are, and how blessed.  So many other people suffer so much greater hardship, worse than I can imagine.  I know there are people who are dealing with loved ones who’ve died, who struggle to find something to eat and go hungry for days, who are in excruciating pain and misery.  How selfish is it for me, in contrast, to feel this way?!

Above all else, though, is the certainty in my mind and heart that our God cares, more than I will ever know, and that He will provide us with all we need.  Though life is hard, I will trust in Him.

1970

The year 1970 is permanently engraved in my memory. Lots of things happened that year that irrevocably changed my family and those things still have an impact on me today.

In July 1970 I had my third birthday.

That same year, my paternal grandfather, Grandpa Oberg, died. I don’t remember him unfortunately, but I have particular memories of his death, such as seeing him in a casket in the dining room of the house belonging to my Uncle Laverne and Aunt Harriett Oberg, my father’s older brother and his wife. People, mostly relatives, were standing around in groups, many of them crying. Then there was the graveyard and the gravesite where he was buried. If my memory is correct, it was a sunny day and my brother, Dan, and I ran around a bit, and I particularly remember looking down into the big black hole into which my grandpa’s casket was to be laid. In my memory, my mother had made us black suits with matching jackets and shorts with a white shirt underneath. (Interestingly, a few years ago when my Uncle Laverne died, I drove out to Nebraska to attend his funeral along with some other family members. My uncle was buried in the same graveyard as my grandpa. The graveyard was definitely familiar to me even after more than 30 years had passed since my Grandpa Oberg’s funeral. My brothers and I decided to look for his grave and I was the first one to find it. That whole, short visit to Gothenburg, Nebraska, was like a series of flashbacks to memories long suppressed.)

In 1970 the church group my family belonged to suffered a huge split over revelations of immorality, or at least, ‘inappropriate conduct,’ of what they then termed the ‘universal leader,’ a man from New York named James Taylor, Jr. (a.k.a. JT Jr.). My maternal grandfather, Stanley McCallum, was involved in uncovering the ‘inappropriate conduct’ and was therefore near the center of the whole controversy. People in this church group (generically known as Exclusive Brethren) split over who believed which side of the story. This affected people all over the world, splitting families, pitting children against parents, husbands against wives, friends against each other. Two of my grandpa’s own sons refused to believe him and actively worked to discredit him and support JT Jr. (and still do to this day). I have no memory of Uncle David and Uncle Garth and I know next to nothing about their children or grandchildren, my cousins, except for one who left that group about eight years ago. I know of situations beyond count where separations were forced by JT Jr. supporters, e.g. children were taken away from their parents by relatives, in some cases, never to be seen again. I know of husbands whose wives and kids stayed with the JT Jr. camp and spent the rest of their lives living alone and never recovering from the pain of separation. My grandpa and grandma never recovered from this, either.

Partly due to this split, my parents decided in 1970 to sell their farm in Nebraska and move in with my maternal grandparents in Detroit. I well remember living in the basement of my grandparents’ home for several months, then moving into a nearby house, where we lived for the next year and a half or so before moving to east central Illinois where I spent most of my growing up years. Lots of dramatic and difficult experiences punctuated that 18 month stay in Detroit but I won’t go into them here. My grandma died in 1982 and my grandpa in 1987. After their death when going through some of their papers I remember coming across my grandma’s diaries in which she documented some of the anguish, loss, and depression they felt as a result of the 1970 split.

For me the events of 1970 became almost legendary, serving as a backdrop to just about everything and everybody I knew. And there were many more splits after that. I no longer think that one side was entirely evil and one was entirely good. I do know, however, that the legacy of this JT Jr. guy is still very prevalent today, especially in Australia and New Zealand where the latest ‘universal leader’ is a Sydney business man named Bruce Hales. These people have received a lot of media scrutiny over their political machinations in that part of the world and elsewhere. It was pretty freaky for me to read about and then see a few videos on Google Video documenting what’s been going on. Fortunately I haven’t had much interaction with these people, although my sister Becky and her husband, Martin, have. Martin has many siblings who are in that group and they have been involved in legal proceedings about custody battles and such between parents and children who are part of this sect and those who aren’t. Both times I traveled to New Zealand, I saw members of this sect (a.k.a. Peebs, Exclusives, The Brethren, PBs, etc.) everywhere, and all of the people I knew there were tragically affected in some way or another. I well remember going to a small town in the north of the South Island called Motueka where there is a meeting of about 200 members, a big population of Peebs in such a small town. As soon as we arrived in town, our arrival was noted by these people and we were watched during our stay. My brother-in-law’s father and I would walk down one side of the main street, and notice some of these people coming toward us on the same side of the street. As soon as they noticed us, they crossed over to the other side of the street so as not to come in contact.

I am very thankful to have not been raised in that group, that my parents raised me and my siblings in a better environment, even though that environment was heavily influenced by, and contained a lot of legacies from, the JT Jr. era such as alcoholism. I’ve glossed over most of the darker elements to the story because I don’t think they need to be gone over yet again and also because I still don’t have a complete understanding of it all. And I don’t really want to anymore.

So…There you have it. 1970 was quite a year.

Latest news about Michele (Updated)

Our saga continues…Michele is still not improving and I am still at home just about every day to help with the little ones. We got a call from her neurologist’s office earlier today, requesting that we come in for another office visit next Wednesday morning (May 11). We’re not sure what this will be about. We were told that they had blood test results, but we weren’t told what those results were. We used this opportunity to specifically request a blood test for Lyme Disease. We don’t know if/when that will take place.

So in short, we’re still waiting for answers. It is really, really discouraging to wait weeks and weeks without any answers and more questions all the time. Such as, how long can we do this? How on earth am I going to be able to do my job? Will I even have a job at this rate?

We also feel intensely alone and isolated because of Michele’s ill health. We are very appreciative of the meals that some have made for us and the prayers of many, but we are struggling with deep depression and anxiety right now. Every day is a huge struggle. I know that may sound overly dramatic, but it is true. I have never felt more uncertain about [and disappointed by] so many things in my life: faith, health, finances, job, relationships, church, emotions, you name it.

We have confidence that God is working through our circumstances for our good…somehow. It is very hard to not feel doubt and hurt, though.

[I neglected to mention that all three of our younger children have had colds for over a week now, which makes them even more crabby and needy for attention than they usually are. All four of them know something is wrong, that we are upset, and they "act out" without really knowing the cause. E.g. Brinley has temper tantrums several times a day, Tristan listens and obeys even less than before, and Cohen has turned into a very aggressive (hitting, kicking) little boy. Keegan is also struggling. Michele and I feel a lot of guilt about all of this.]